What now?

Today has been good. I felt good and got a lot done.
Then all the sudden, for no reason, I feel alone and sad. I want to cry, but I have nothing to cry about. I'm trying not to cut really really trying. I haven't done it in so long...

I've lost 3lbs since Tuesday. YAY! I've gotten to the point where I'm really not all the hungry any more. the emptiness feels good. I can feel my body burning calories in my stomach. I know that's not what is really happening, but I like to think of it that way.

I know I need to stay on my Bipolar medicine, but I have to eat something when I take it. If I don't eat, I get really sick. and I don't like that feeling. I try to eat as little as possible. Yesterday I had 200 Cal's...Today I've had 500. I know I'm a COW!!! I've got to loose the weight!

I'm going home tomorrow. That makes me nervous because in my house we have this pantry...it is full of really good, really fattening food. Pop Tarts, and cookies, and candy. It's my nightmare! I have got to stay strong! I will not eat anything, unless I have to. That is my goal for tomorrow. No eating unless it is necessary, and only the minimum then.

Wish me luck!

Cutting and Eating

I started cutting my freshman year of college. I was around a bunch of new people. They would never understand it when I got low. So I cut

I cut in the shower. At first, I'd "cut myself shaving" turn my razor at just theright angle to slice my skin. I'd bleed and bleed. It felt good to have a reason to cry.

Later in the year, I developed an eating disorder. I would starve myself for days at a time. When I ate, I ate no more than 500 calories a day. I also started taking a pair of scissors into the shower. I carved on my thighs the letters ANA for anorexia.

I lost 20lbs in less than a month. Then I visited my grandparents. I had to eat in front of them. I ate so much, and it felt so good that I ate and ate and ate. Between that and being sick, I gained it all back and then some.

So now that I'm healthy again, I'm not eating. This is part of the reason I'm not revealing my identity. Technically speaking, A person has to be 15% underweight to be considered anorexic. So I'm not Ana yet, but I'm trying. And that is where I'm at right now.

Mood swings

At any given moment, I can be really happy. Then out of the blue, for no reason at all, I get real low. There is no reason for it. I'll pick my brain trying to figure it out, but there is no significant reason for me to be so depressed.

Because I can't figure out a reason, I've resorted to cutting myself on many occasions. Then I have a reason to cry. I cant see what I'm feeling inside, but I can see pain on the outside. Bleeding is a good reason to cry.

Sometimes I'll be low for an hour or two, like in "Song on the radio" and other times I'll be low for days, weeks, and sometimes months at a time. The shorter the time span the more severe it tends to be.

Relationships...

I'd been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. We had just gotten back from a trip together, and we were sitting in my car. Everything had gone great on the trip. It was very relaxing and a lot of fun.

We were at our favorite spot. We were laughing and talking and having a good time. Until I hit a low mood. He noticed right away, and asked what it was. I said it was nothing, but that didn't satisfy him. I said I didn't know and that I must be tired. But he kept prying. Finally I said...

"Sometimes I feel like all we're meant to be is just good friends."

Of course I didn't mean it, but "I don't know" wasn't good enough! We didn't break up, but I can tell he was hurt.

In the end, because of what I said, we did break up. It was ugly and long, but what I said was the root reason.

The song on the radio

School is finally over for the day. I drive straight home. It's a long drive. The song on the radio reminds me of my dad. All the sudden, my life isn't worth living. I start to cry.

"Nobody would miss me. Everyone just puts up with me, like my dad
did. They don't really love, nobody loves me. My family? They
just deal with me. My friends? They're just too nice to tell me to
leave them alone. They never invite me to their house or to go do
something with them. I have to make all the plans!"

I pull into my driveway. Nobody is home. I drive into the garage, turn off my car, and shut the garage door. I'm still crying. I turn the car back on, and cry. I turn the radio up to drown out my own crying.

"I don't wan to hear a happy song rite now!"

Radio goes off. I call my "best friend" I know she's at work so I leave a voicemail.

"Hey [sniff] it's me.[sniff] I just wanted to say goodbye."

Tears won't stop. I lay my head on the steering wheel, intent on falling asleep. I get real tired. Then for no reason I turn off my car and open the garage door. 2 minutes later, my step dad walks in. "Hey! How was school?"

"Fine." he never knew what I was trying to do.

Later at dinner, I'm laughing and telling funny stories about my day. Everyone is in a good mood, including me. I had completely forgotten about that afternoon...and the voicemail. That is until she called.

"Hey! are you OK?"
"Yeah."
"I got your voicemail, and it really freaked me out."
"Oh! That ugh...I just meant that I didn't get to see you after school and
I wanted to say goodbye."
"It sounded like you were crying."
"Oh, no. I think I'm getting a cold."
"Oh, OK! Well I gotta go..."

Happy? Birthday.

Sitting in the dark, alone.

It's my 16th birthday, and I'm sitting on the floor of a bathroom, in the dark, alone. All I can do is cry. I cry and cry and cry. 10 minutes pass, 20, half an hour later, my mother walks in,

"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Don't tell me nothings wrong when I know something is."
"It's nothing!"
"Try again."
"I don't know what's wrong! I just want to cry, OK!"
"There has to be a reason."
"There is no reason! It's my sweet 16, the happiest day of my year,
and I'm in the bathroom, in the dark, alone, crying and there is no
reason!"
"Didn't you like the presents we got you?"
"Yes! It has nothing to do with presents, or cake, or decorations, or
anything!"
"Then what is it?"
"I'm a girl! I cry!"
"Why? There has to be a reason, You never cried at grandpa's
funeral. Is that it?"
"That was 6 months ago!"
"Well maybe you haven't dealt with it yet. You know he loved you very
much."

That makes me start to cry more. Then we spend the next hour talking about my great grandpa and anything else sad in my life. Finally I stop crying and go back to bed.

The game.

"Hey!" he says as he moves closer. "Me and Matt wanna play a game. Wanna play?" He has that look in his eyes, I know what game he's talking about.

"No thank you." I say, maybe if I'm polite and nice about it they'll leave me alone.

"Come on, it'll be fun." He says as he grabs my wrists. He's much older and stronger than me.

"I don't want to play!"

"Yes you do." He says in an almost whisper as he pulls me into the closet and locks the door. A few moments pass..."I now pronounce you man and wife. Kiss the bride."

"No!"
"Do it Matt!"
"No, mhhhmm!"
"I'll hold her down...There, now time for the honeymoon...

"That was fun, thanks for playing with us! See you tomorrow."

"Mom," I said once we got in the car, "I don't want to go to that babysitter anymore."

"Why not?"

"They're mean."

"I'm sure they're not all that bad. And it's all we can afford right now. Besides, wouldn't you miss you friends?"

"I don't have any friends there."

"What about those two nice boys? They seem to really like you."

"I don't like them."

"Well honey, you should love your enemies."

I couldn't explain to my mother what was going on. I didn't understand it myself. Years later, that babysitter got busted for abuse. It was long after I'd left, but I still couldn't tell my mom what had happened to me while I was there.